Stolen bikes apparently do ride faster...

Ugggghhhh, I've had the most horrible day!!!

I swear the most unbelievable thing's happen to me... Never funny things, just bad. Everybody treats me like the push over. That's probably my fault. I can never just say what Im thinking, and when I try to it always comes out wrong or everyone gangs up on me. BUT OH NO, when someone else does it, it's alllllright! In school, at work, social stuff, family stuff... everyone thinks they can walk all over me. I wish I knew the best way to reconcile loving others like Jesus did and ripping their heads off. I am so not in the mood to deal with anymore bull. Let me just be perfectly honest when I say, I don't want to hear about anyones problems right now. I don't even wanna think about my own problems because I know there are so many people that have it much worse off. 

I don't need to be the center of attention, but I would settle for some respect.

Jesus save us from your followers...

Thursday, 

So spring break was pretty fun. I think there was more down time then I was hoping for... and much more wind. Now Im back in Jax. Hooray. My (only) recent source of happiness has been the last two books I ordered off Amazon. There's something exciting about waiting for books to come, knowing you will soon learn thing you've never known before. Other then that I am getting excited/nervous/anxious about my summer plans. I finally sent in my stuff to the DOOR, requesting either Denver or Miami. Either one would be awesome. I just keep praying that God will make a move, so I know Im not planning this all on my own accord.

I haven't felt like too much of a horrible Christian lately. In fact I've hardly felt like a Christian at all. I wish I had an easier time avoiding all those little temptations. I wish I lived in a way that made people stop and look. I also wish myself, and many others, would stop saying over and over and over again "basically Im a bad Christian." I feel like it can only be said only so many more times before the words will wear out and disintegrate into mediocrity. But, like my dad always says, "If wishes were horses then beggars would ride." Not always sure how that is supposed to inspire me to take action, but then again if Christ's resurrection from the dead didn't do, I hardly expect a saying to. 

I know everyone is very critical of any religion that is "fundamental" or "Orthodox." But as of late I can't help being jealous of fundamentalists. That is, those fundamentalists that actual carry out doctrines and literal practices. Sometimes I get nervous that my faith is a watered-down version of Christianity. If Christ did come, shouldn't mean everything to us? That realization of an after life, eternal judgement, but most of all love. Shouldn't that fully consume us? I long to believe something so deeply that it radically influences my beliefs and actions. To live as if I knew thing's for certain and could fathom their depth of truth and implications. 

OK, so the biggest thing plaguing me right now: why do I feel more under the scrutiny of my Christian friends then my non-religious friends? Shouldn't it be the other way around? I mean Christians understand the struggles of this chosen path. Yes I fall short, but should not that fact be plainly known because I am in full awareness of my needs for a savior? The biggest disappointment is that I know I have looked critically at the faith of my brothers and sisters. I just so desperately want Jesus to bring real change into our lives. I can't do it alone, I need a community ready to charge into a whole new way of living with me. Man, did I just describe a church or what... 

At the beginning of this blog I actually thought I had nothing much to say. Now I feel like Im writing an epic. 

The end.

Broken, all the way down.

Well this day has been full of revelations and disappointments... because there will always be disappointments and very rarely will I have revelations, I think I'll recount the latter.

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, 

but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live 

by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself 

up for me." - Galatians 2:20

For some reason today this verse hit my brain like a lightening bolt. I began to think... if when I accept Jesus into my life I truly become his hands and feet, then I have been an extrvagent failure to his love. What have I been doing with his hands? Thumbing through gossip magazines and pointing out others flaws... His mouth? Criticizing my self constantly and spreading an attitude other then Christs... His eyes? Silently judging others and only seeing where God isn't giving me what I want... At the realization of this and it's eternal ramifications, I began to feel sick. I think panic attack is the term used most often. Jesus you're so much bigger then me...

I know this seems like an obvious revelation for a Christian. In fact, I have always known it. But there is knowing, and there is knowing. Someone can know the story of the prodigal son, but if they continue living as they used to - regardless of the consequences - then they don't know the story of the prodigal son. Someone can recite the beatitudes, and know them inside and out; but can't humble themselves... then they don't know the beatitudes. Oh do I know (too well) the irony of seeing when you have been blind...

"So take my hands, 

I lift them high,

There yours not mine to do,

Do what you will.

Im ready now! Do what you will."

-Desperation Band